If you opened this page and thought, "why is this girl a college dropout?" I have good news. You're about to find out. I'm sharing my story here as a reference for future posts that will discuss overcoming the pressures and difficulties that young adults face in daily life. Although a considerable amount of my struggles have stemmed from illness, I hope that my story of perseverance and healing will be helpful, whether you're recovering from a disappointing experience, a bad grade, a toxic relationship, or any of the numerous hurdles we experience in high school, college, and beyond.
Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid and causes hormone imbalances and leads to numerous symptoms including weight gain and crushing fatigue. I spent summer 2017 sick in bed, unable to think and too tired to work or even see my friends. After trying a few different medications and doses, it seemed that I had my symptoms under control. That fall, I attended Benedictine College in hopes that I could start with a light course load and gradually adapt to the life of a normal eighteen-year-old girl. This decision did not end well. I was constantly fatigued, couldn't get enough nutrition in the cafeteria, due to the many dietary restrictions of life with an autoimmune disease, and became increasingly depressed. By January, I couldn't see the point of living. Even surrounded by people I loved, I was in ceaseless mental and emotional pain. No matter what I did, I couldn't hide that I was constantly on the verge of tears, living with horrid thoughts. I remember telling myself that there was a way out, and it would be all too easy to bring to fruition, if I could only bring myself to do it. But even in these darkest moments, I knew that God's calling for me involved living beyond the tender age of eighteen. Oddly enough, it was the thought of my future that kept me going, even when I couldn't imagine things getting any better. I began writing a series of letters to my future husband (which I still intend to give him one day), and I kept him, a man I probably have yet to meet, close to my heart.
Since January, I've been to more doctors, trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. After a journey spanning four years and twelve so-called "health experts," we finally discovered that I have chronic Lyme Disease. This diagnosis is the root cause of my Hashimoto's Disease, as well as my depression and many other symptoms. Although my journey to health is far from over, I am so happy and relieved to have received this diagnosis. Yes, you read that right. I'm happy because we finally know what's wrong with me, and we can treat it. I'm happy because I now know that the pain I've been experiencing won't last forever. I'm happy because through this process, I've learned a lot about myself, about others, and about my faith.
In my time away from school, I've had considerable time to pray and reflect on God's goodness. He has been with me every slow, painful step of the way on this journey. He has sent me His words, His peace, His presence whenever I've needed it most. He has blessed me with a future that is brighter every day, and I am so thankful. I've learned that it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's okay that I'm not pulled together and I don't have my life figured out. So many young adults feel pressured to conform to these impossible standards we've set for ourselves. But the reality is, God doesn't call us to perfection. He calls us to do the best we can. So no matter how many times we come to our Heavenly Father in tears, He won't be angry or impatient or tell us we're weak and need to grow a thicker skin. Instead, He greets us with love and mercy and equips us with the grace we need to fight another day.
So why am I sharing this story? Why now? There are several reasons. We live in a society where, when someone asks, "how are you?," It's socially unacceptable to respond with anything besides "good!" or "great!" But I'm here to tell you that it's okay and even normal to have really bad days. Days when you don't want to talk, when you feel like your whole world is collapsing in on itself, or when you just want to go to sleep and wake up in five or ten years when everything's better. It's okay if, sometimes, you don't feel like doing the things you usually love. Especially if you are living with a physical or mental illness.
Obviously, these aren't feelings to aspire to. But what I'm saying is, when they happen (because they will!) don't beat yourself up. Take a break. Take a breath. And then, keep going because we are God's hands and feet in this world. None of us are called to be Sleeping Beauty, so we can't just hit the snooze button until Prince Charming shows up and sets the world straight (as tempting as this might be some days). If there's one thing I know, it's that I'm a lot stronger than I look, and this princess can damn well slay her own dragons. That being said, it's okay to need help sometimes. Some dragons require multiple fighters to take them down. And that's alright. Because tomorrow is a new day. And I, for one, am going to use it to keep on fighting.
Stay tuned for new posts about my experiences, as well as my advice on pursuing a Catholic-Christian lifestyle in a world full of obstacles. I feel a calling on my heart to share my journey, in hopes that my experiences will be a source of inspiration and empowerment for other young adults.
